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Here’s my hot take: winter break is overrated. Don’t get me wrong, everyone needs time away from our crazy schedules and endless assignments, but the experience of going home for the holidays isn’t everything it’s glorified to be.

College introduces many of us to a new sense of freedom, but also a journey of self-discovery. Attending Syracuse offers me the chance to run on my own personal clock and choose when and how I want to spend each day outside of class. At school, I run on a 9:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. schedule for classwork, and anything after I consider free time.

But when I return home to my parents and two sisters who are still in high school, I’m sucked back into the 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. childhood school day, and then the 3-6 p.m. after-school activity routine. My mental health and anxiety fluctuate vastly depending on where I’m situated, and the change in environment, mixed with my already hyperactive mind, suffer when I leave school for a month. It throws everything for a loop, and settles me into a constant state of unease.

I hate this feeling of regressing back to my 16-year-old self and teenage life. Seeing my shelves that are still overflowing with figurines from fandoms that I am now estranged from, old trophies and awards for activities I haven’t attempted in years, and pictures of people that I only text on their birthdays add to the effect of feeling like a visitor in my own home.

As morbid as it may sound, it feels like walking into a memorial service. I often find myself looking around my room, mourning the past versions of myself that had different goals and aspirations.

Some people truly appreciate the time to unwind and go home to see their families, hometown friends and the special parts of their lives pre-college. However, there are people like me who see winter break as an unnecessary disruption from the routine we’ve established over the course of the first semester. Going home for break resurfaces all of the anxiety that I’ve learned to conquer while at school. The second I set foot in my childhood home, the floodgates open and it feels like I never left. All of this combines to make us feel like we’re being sucked back in time.

There’s cupcake-themed decor sprinkled around my bedroom at home from when I dreamt of becoming a professional baker. Journals upon journals in my closet of old story ideas for when I was convinced I’d be a best-selling author. An acceptance letter on my bulletin board from SU’s School of Education congratulating me on my acceptance to their Elementary Education program. The most disorienting part is none of those aspirations are remotely close to what I aim to do with my future now that I’m in my third year here; I’m not even dead-set on what I want to do after graduation, but the old me still feels far away.

This dynamic puts me headfirst into a spiral of doubting I’m doing the right thing. At a loss, I question if I am genuinely content with what I’ve now planned for my future or if I should’ve stuck with my teenage desires of being a baker-author-teacher.

The spiral only intensifies when the holidays end and my mom asks me to pick my sisters up from the school I was so ready to escape after graduation. There’s nothing worse than seeing an old teacher that made you detest a certain subject, or catching a glimpse of an acquaintance whom you realize you only see on social media nowadays. That’s also the only way they know you now, too, increasing the disconnected feeling at home when you’re a college student.

In full transparency, part of the reason I don’t like winter break is because it terrifies me. I’ve never been a fan of change, and going home reminds me of how prominent it’s been throughout my life. Though it may sound dramatic, seeing all of my old interests and hobbies frozen in time around my bedroom makes me feel like I’m drowning in a pool of wasted potential.

What I’ve come to realize is it’s important to not let the anxiety that lingers around your childhood bedroom follow you back to school. Those versions of you still exist inside, so let your time in college be a journey of maturing. Accept that the past versions of yourself and your previous dreams both led you to where you are now, and also prepare us to succeed on our own.

The jump from being a kid to an adult happens quickly and usually without even realizing it. We have to remember it’s a privilege to grow up and lean into education and new interests that impact our futures. If you’re like me and are now trying to adjust back to your college routine, lean into unapologetically pursuing your adulthood and independence at school. If anything, the arduous time at home serves as a reminder that you actually are growing as a person. Don’t take this intimidating process for granted.

Gracie Lebersfeld is a junior majoring in selected studies in education and creative writing. Her column appears bi-weekly. She can be reached at gmlebers@syr.edu.

Published on January 14, 2025 at 8:53 pm